I can’t recall any real horror stories, though I do recall a pretty awkward first date. I can’t remember where exactly I met the young man. I can’t even remember his name, but I do remember he was quite handsome and sweet. He also came from a large family and early on in the date he told me their home had recently burned to the ground. Money was really tight.
We were at a very reasonably priced restaurant known for an insanely large variety of sandwiches. Over 200. Their menu must have been ten or twenty mouth-watering pages long. Though the restaurant is now closed, I was able to find their menu online and it contained concoctions such as:
THE ANDY SCHNEIDER™ (A significantly salacious succubus)Chili brisket, turkey bosom, chicken liver pate, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato & chili mayonnaise on four slices of bread
THE WOLFGANG PINKUS™ (Noted local nonentity and B-flat plumber’s friend virtuoso) Turkey bosom, chicken liver pate, Russian dressing, lettuce & tomato
THE MRS. WOLFGANG PINKUS™ (Noted lady nonentity and Harfung Plucker)Turkey bosom, chicken liver pate, Swiss cheese, raw onions, Russian dressing, lettuce & tomato club
THE CLEAN LIVER™ (Have a shot of Mr. Clean)Chicken liver pate, Swiss cheese, bacon, onions, lettuce & tomato club with mayonnaise
Clearly, the owner had a sense of humor which explains why there was also a sandwich on the menu called A GOOD COLD SANDWICH™. The price was 50 cents, and my date, who must certainly have been reading the menu from the price side, ordered it. The waiter had to awkwardly explain that this item was described in the menu as two stale heels of bread and an ice cube. My date asked for another minute to select something else. I was so embarrassed for him, I excused myself to go to the ladies room and furtively dropped a twenty dollar bill on the floor near his chair. I don’t know if he ever found it. I do know there was never a second date.